Astral Projections: January

Spirit DJ: Chris Lake
Lucky Day: January 22
Lucky Record Release: Torro Torro “Make a Move” (Habstrakt Remix)
Advisory Quote: “The same face in a different frame” —Disclosure

You, the goat, are the ruler of the 10th house of social status—the amplifier of prestige, honor and success in the public eye (kind of like Skrillex). In short, you are a narcissistic, materialistic attention whore (kind of like… Diplo). This month is about learning to balance your magnetic charisma with your desire to not be a d-bag. Remember, love is the healing force that dissolves arrogance and selfishness; so try and be nicer to people on Twitter.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Spirit DJ: J.Phlip
Lucky Day: January 3
Lucky Record Release: Fink “See It All” (Jamie Jones Dubbed up Edit)
Advisory Quote: “We all fall down” —A-Trak

You’ve long been the hot chip celebrity of the zodiac world. Legitimately great songs and movies have been named after you. Hell, an entire new-age movement has been named after you. Much like deadmau5 holing up in the studio to make his next album, however, your extended stay in the spotlight is put on hold this month. During all of January, you’re going to feel as original as a wet bag of hair, as beautiful as an ingrown toenail on Steve Aoki’s foot, and as relevant as Hardwell’s last album! That’s it. Sorry. See you next month.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Spirit DJ: Bicep
Lucky Day: January 26
Lucky Record Release: Oliver Heldens & Throttle “Waiting for Your Love”
Advisory Quote: “Don’t break my heart” —Tiga

One thing is obvious this month: romance. It’s the one thing that will drop straight into your lap (not in the lap-dance kind of way, pervert)—that is, if you get off Tinder and get out of the damn house. Go to at least two concerts/raves/warehouse parties a week, and you’re bound to meet someone at least mildly charming and acceptably attractive. When you meet them, talk excessively about your love of Four Tet, because anyone you date has to also love Four Tet. You’ll know it’s true love when you both lay down your cool and admit to having cried during the Swedish House Mafia documentary. If you’re also both into listening to bass house while watching the sunrise, marry this person.

Aries (March 21–April 20)

Spirit DJ: Wiwek
Lucky Day: January 13
Lucky Record Release: Audio “Now the Future”
Advisory Quote: “This is not how I woke up, but it’s how I look now” —Riton

You will feel incredibly on-point all month. Don’t trust it. Your January will be defined by indecision. Kind of like that feeling you get at parties when it’s way too late and you know you should leave, but you kind of want to stay and you can’t decide which move is best, but you know for sure that the babe you were checking out at the bar is long gone. It’s actually probably best not to go out at all. Basically, keep your head down and your fingers crossed. Listen exclusively to old Tiësto albums. Avoid tropical house.

Taurus (April 21–May 20)

Spirit DJ: Kidnap Kid
Lucky Day: January 26
Lucky Record Release: Above & Beyond “Little Something” (Super8 & Tab Remix)
Advisory Quote: “There’s gonna be good times” —Jamie xx

As a sensual, adventure-loving person, you’re simply going to love what January has in store! You’ll have a great time at any music festival! Go garage sale shopping, and you’ll find a perfectly worn vintage concert T-shirt that would have cost you $100 in the store! Always wanted a dog? Now’s the time! Enroll in that DJ class you’ve been thinking about; you’ll love it! You know that person in your office you’ve long been crushing on? Ask ‘em out—they’ll say yes! That Powerball ticket? Yep! Take up fire-spinning? Don’t even stop to think about it! Don’t pass up the opportunity to use an exclamation point, and never say no. January is your time to shine!

Gemini (May 21–June 21)

Spirit DJ: Will Atkinson
Lucky Day: January 1
Lucky Record Release: Culture Shock “Tangents”
Advisory Quote: “We’re doing it the wrong way” —Redlight

You’ve been called the Calvin Harris of the zodiac pantheon, as you easily flit from one social situation to another in order to gain growth through varied experiences. This month, however, you must pick something and stick to it. Try listening to an entire Kraftwerk album. Teach yourself Ableton. Avoid gloving in public. I can’t print the reason why, but seriously: Just stay away from gloves that light up. Also, at the next festival you go to, you will lose something of great monetary value but gain something of significant sentimental worth. Do not Snap it.

Cancer (June 22–July 22)

Spirit DJ: LNY TNZ
Lucky Day: January 16
Lucky Record Release: Bassically “Tonight I’m Gonna…”
Advisory Quote: “How you gonna get it, when you won’t let go” —Laidback Luke

This December, you will make an amazing discovery. It could be that you’re stoked for the comeback of trance. It could be that you actually can’t effing stand trance. In any case, it will be revelatory and life-changing, kind of like seeing Daft Punk at Coachella in 2006. Whatever it is, you will not be able to stop talking about it, much like everyone who saw Daft Punk at Coachella in 2006. Live in the moment, but also take loads of photos.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Spirit DJ: Sonny Fodera
Lucky Day: January 24
Lucky Record Release: Martin Garrix “Bouncybob”
Advisory Quote: “Save all you’ve been dreaming, live life for some meaning” –Gorgon City

This month, you’ve gotta dance. Shake out the stagnant energy from your body—and burn a few calories in the process—by getting down every damn time the opportunity presents itself. We’re seeing dance parties in your living room. We’re seeing dance parties at the club. We’re seeing the dance parties of your dreams, in your dreams. Regardless of the venue, don’t make any important decisions until you’ve properly gotten the shuffle, cutting shapes, or twerking out of your system. Make sure you stretch beforehand.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Spirit DJ: Flume
Lucky Day: January 19
Lucky Record Release: Eric Prydz ft. Rob Swire “Breathe”
Advisory Quote: “I tried untethering my despair, tried to forget and not to care” —Above & Beyond

This month, go inward. Forget about making new connections, deals, relationships or meaningful eye contact with good-looking people on the dancefloor. It ain’t happenin’. While humans tend to do all kinds of wacky shit to avoid solitude, there’s a good deal to be gained from this month’s excess of you-on-you time. Work. Learn. Be. Dance like no one is watching (no one will be watching). If you have to go out, head to some dark, underground club rather than, like, Omnia. In fact, it is best to avoid Omnia entirely. That advice applies next month, too, and for all the months after that.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Spirit DJ: TOKiMONSTA
Lucky Day: January 23
Lucky Record Release: RÜFÜS DU SOL “Say a Prayer for Me”
Advisory Quote: “Fear is overblown, it won’t break your bones” —Sleepy Tom & Anna Lunoe

Dreams will come true for you this month. Even the wildest visions you had while partying your face off will manifest if you follow them to the letter. Remember that “wild” idea you had at Burning Man while you were cruising the playa on a pirate ship art car at dawn? Well. If you can remember it fully and do exactly as you were told, you’ll become so rich that Forbes will bump Afrojack to make space for you on the highest-paid DJs list. Also, remember the dream you had a few weeks ago about missing EDC Vegas? Do you recall the one thing in that dream you HAD to do in order to keep it from ACTUALLY happening? Do that thing. Now!

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Spirit DJ: G Jones
Lucky Day: January 12
Lucky Record Release: Lane 8 “Midnight”
Advisory Quote: “You can find me in the club” —Genghis Clan

It may seem to you that the quote is instructing you to party until dawn. That is correct. That is what you should do this month. Not like, every dawn, but have a few good Saturday nights out and see where it leaves you creatively, spiritually and emotionally at the end of the month. (Warning: This is not the month to worry about your finances.) If you’ve got friends getting an early start on festival season, this is the month to show up at their door unexpectedly. Stay hydrated. Go topless. Don’t forget your sunscreen.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 30)

Spirit DJ: The Black Madonna
Lucky Day: January 31
Lucky Record Release: Keys N Krates “Love Again”
Advisory Quote: “I can’t see without you next to me” —John O’Callaghan

As one of the more misunderstood signs of the zodiac, you typically feel a bit out of place in many social scenarios. This month is no exception. In fact, you will feel particularly weird! We recommend staying at home with your sig other and doing more Netflix and chilling. If you don’t have a significant other, tune in alone. If you don’t have Netflix, just go out and suffer the consequences. Clubbing alone makes you stronger.

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