D.A.R.E. to be the Driver: A Sober Guide to Partying

I used to be a big hit at warehouse raves in Las Vegas—not because I had the best outfit (UFO pants/visor/half-shirt anyone?); not because my roommate and I would hand out Costco-sized bags of Pixy Stix; not even because I was good at light shows (I couldn’t even make a figure eight at the time).

No, I was everyone’s pal because I was the sober one, the one that got everyone home safely. I even made a detour to drive down the Las Vegas Strip when my roommate wanted a Hunter S. Thompson Fear & Loathing experience, which was all fun and games until she tried to climb out the moving car window to touch the neon lights.

The point being, not everyone needs to be fucked up to have a good time. Sometimes fucking with people is just as entertaining. Heck, some people probably need to give the imbibing a rest anyway (I’m talking to you, Toronto Avicii fans). But if the DJ sets aren’t doing it for you and you’ll puke if you go on one more carnival ride thanks to three-too-many funnel cakes, here are a few ways to keep yourself entertained when you’re the designated driving hero of the night.

Start a conga line and see how many people will join. Take it all around the festival, and say you’re going for a Guinness World Record. We’ll join you.

Pre-game Like Kaskade: If you know Kaskade, you know the Mormon lad abstains from drugs and alcohol. However, he does get hopped up on the sugar, so pre-game like him with a grip of assorted candy and Coca-Cola. Add some organic salsa and coconut water from Whole Foods, and you’ve got the diet of America’s Best DJ!

“I’m With the DJ”: Not only are walkie-talkies a good way to keep track of your friends when their cell service doesn’t work, but you can walk around having conversations that sound like you’re on official DJ business. “Can you help me find Ferry Corsten? Armin is looking for him, like, right now for ASOT.”

Breakin’ Records: Start a conga line and see how many people will join. Take it all around the festival, and say you’re going for a Guinness World Record. We’ll join you.

Get Low: Hold an impromptu limbo contest with someone who brought a pool noodle/party pole (or just bring your own anyway, so your friends can find you in the crowd).

High School Reunion: Dance with random drunk strangers. Keep saying you haven’t seen them in forever and telling them how much you missed them. Then walk away and repeat with the same people two minutes later.

The Waterboy: “You can do it… you can do it all night loong!”—keeping your friends hydrated, that is. Someone’s gotta babysit their asses and make sure they don’t pass out or puke. Help out others in distress, too.

The Name Game: Load up on the kandi bracelets and find people that don’t have any. Chat with them for a bit, give them their first piece, and then christen them with a raver name based on their personality. Sorry, “Rainbow” is already taken.

Pasty Patrol: Somewhere, someone decided that adhering two stickers to your tits was perfectly acceptable, much to the delight—and equally, disgust—of other festival attendees. Find one of these ladies and take a pic with them, preferably with your best “Oh no, she didn’t!” face. Then offer to buy her a shirt from the merch table for when her pasties inevitably sweat off and she’s nearly nude and crying in a restroom (true story).

Geocaching.com: Join the community of GPS-powered outdoor treasure hunting to find or place containers filled with nifty items (or rare kandi) around a festival.

I Lift, Bro: Make a costume that looks like a golf cart and offer people (piggyback) rides—and get some cardio in.

Shuffle: Close your eyes and point to the schedule. Then go see whichever DJ you land on. Or pick three DJs you’ve never heard of, and go see them. There’s more to music than the main stage, people.

Hole in…Drunk?: Get one of those mini-golf scorecards with a tiny, barely sharpened pencil. Instead of the number of golf strokes, tally up your friends’ drinks. Throw a keychain breathalyzer into the mix just to prove to your friends that they really can’t drive home. They’ll thank you later.